Technical Publications
The collected findings of Dr. Shaparak Avicenna, Chief Behavioral Scientist. All studies are peer-reviewed, primarily by her mother. For the Doctor's informal research log, see The Shapnel.
The Burrito Proximity Coefficient: A Meta-Analysis
Landmark study establishing that a Californian's likelihood of relocation decreases 8% for every quality burrito establishment within a 1.5-mile radius. Subjects within range of three or more establishments are classified "functionally immovable." Study limitations: sample size of one (Kevin). Kevin remains contained. The science holds.
The Sunk Sourdough Index
Quantifies the retention force of a maintained sourdough starter. A Californian who has kept a starter alive for 18+ months cannot relocate: the starter cannot fly cabin class, and they don't trust it in cargo. The Index peaked in 2020 and has never fully receded. Neither has Gary's starter, which is now legally a dependent.
In-N-Out: Tethering vs. Containment — A Critical Distinction
The Burrito Coefficient does not extend to In-N-Out. Burritos contain; In-N-Out tethers. A Californian may leave the state but will reorganize their entire life around the nearest Double-Double, like a satellite that left orbit but not gravity. See: the Texas expansion, where escaped Californians formed four-hour lines to feel something again. Recommendation: In-N-Out must cease out-of-state expansion. Animal fries were meant to be earned by residency.
Interstate Lure Assessment: The Buc-ee's Problem
Californians are 17% more likely to relocate to a state containing a Buc-ee's, 34% more likely after trying the brisket, and statistically unrecoverable once they learn about the bathrooms. Two field analysts were dispatched to the Arizona construction site. They have not returned. We believe they are still in the jerky aisle. This study is ongoing whether we like it or not.
Megafauna Envy: Preliminary Findings on the Montana Question
Montana retains residents partly through proximity to living grizzly bears. California's bear is on our flag and extinct — we completed the extinction first and added the tribute after, a sequence this office declines to defend. Key finding: Montanans see a bear and feel alive. Californians see a bear and feel branding. Advantage: unclear.
Pickleball as a Retention Instrument
Subjects with a 7:40 AM court reservation, a $180 paddle, and a doubles league exhibit zero relocation risk. They cannot move to Idaho. Their dink game is finally coming together. This office recommends the immediate conversion of additional tennis courts, over the strenuous objection of this office's tennis-playing members (Gregory).
Research inquiries may be directed to the Initiative. Dr. Avicenna does not respond to inquiries. Her mother might.