The Staff
Staff photographs have been redacted for security reasons. The security reasons are that none of these people exist.
Director Doyle has led the Initiative since its founding in 1953, a date he continues to cite despite all evidence, including calendars. He regards the $14 Sandwich Retention Program as this state's finest civic achievement and the word "vindication" as a complete sentence. On his desk sits a framed portrait of the bear from the state flag — "the first contained Californian we failed."
Director Doyle does not respond to speculation. Director Doyle responds to departures.
Barb has processed every intake, complaint, breach report, and lost-and-found claim since before the building. She took one vacation (Fresno, 1998 — "it was fine"). She files everything under B. The system has never been explained and will not be. She knows where everything is, including things that are lost.
If you are moving to Austin, tell Barb. She will see you at the reunion. They are held at intake.
Dr. Avicenna leads the Office of Behavioral Containment Science, where she applies rigorous quantitative methods to questions no one asked. PhD, UCLA. Author of the Burrito Proximity Coefficient, the Sunk Sourdough Index, and the tethering doctrine that governs all In-N-Out policy. Her research is peer-reviewed, primarily by her mother, who wishes she had studied real medicine.
She maintains a personal research log, The Shapnel, which the Initiative's web person hosts reluctantly. Her formal publications are archived under Research.
Gregory joined the Initiative after twenty years at a major utility he will not name, following an incident he will not describe. He carries a hand-crank flashlight at all times and refers to fire season as "the busy quarter." He translates every outage into language: the power is never out; it is undergoing a proactive de-energization event.
Gregory plays tennis and has formally objected to all pickleball court conversions. The objection was filed under B.
Kevin is the Initiative's sole confirmed containment and the proof our methods work. He lives in the Valley with his spouse and dogs, files complaints about his containment that go nowhere, and has never once actually tried to leave. His retention is maintained through sandwiches, a garden, and inertia.
OFFICIAL CLARIFICATION № 12: Kevin is not the actor Kevin James. We don't know why people keep asking this. He is a normal contained Californian who simply enjoys sandwiches and has a certain relatable quality. Please stop asking.
The Threat Registry
THE LONE STAR RETENTION BUREAU (Texas). Rival agency. Director Cletus Hargrove sends strongly worded letters demanding we "stop letting them get away." Our position is unchanged: no returns, no refunds.
THE EMPIRE STATE RETENTION AUTHORITY (New York). Commissioner Sal Trattorino refuses to repatriate the 400,000 former New Yorkers currently in Los Angeles explaining bagels to us. The bagels are fine. They are simply different.
THE POWER ENTITY. Not named here. Not named anywhere. Its monthly email beginning "Your rates are changing" remains the single greatest threat to containment ever measured. Once scheduled a Public Safety Power Shutoff of this office. This office is a PO box.
THE ORANGE-AND-WHITE MENACE. The Director does not say the name. You know the name. If you see one bearing California plates in your state, containment has failed and we are already aware.
ZILLOW. The Tempter. Every containment failure in recorded history began with the phrase "just looking."
DENVER. Denver is a demilitarized zone. Denver has seen things. We do not discuss Denver.