Now Leaving
California
Request denied. Please return to your kombucha.
Every year, thousands of Californians attempt to relocate to your state, bringing with them zoning opinions, oat milk, and a Prius with a roof box. We are the thin golden line between them and your cul-de-sac.
Our Mission
The Komifornia Containment Initiative is a fictional civic body devoted to a single, sacred purpose: keeping Californians in California. While lesser organizations complain about Californians moving to their states, we are the only ones doing something about it. The something is satire. The satire is this website.
Our mission statement, ratified by nobody: "To contain all 39 million Californians within the borders of California through the strategic deployment of burritos, beach proximity, $14 sandwiches, and the sunk cost of everyone's sourdough starter — so that the rest of America may enjoy its oddly zoned cul-de-sacs in peace."
The Initiative is headquartered in a PO box, staffed by five fictional employees, guided by rigorous fake science, and funded by exactly $0 in donations, because the donate buttons don't work on purpose. Founded in 1953, according to Director Doyle. Founded considerably more recently, according to calendars.
Current Exodus Threat Level
Status: ELEVATED. A Sacramento family of four was observed googling "Boise property tax." Containment teams have dispatched a burrito.
Our Track Record Speaks For Itself
Californians successfully kept in California. (They cannot afford the moving truck. We take full credit.)
Sourdough starters smuggled across state lines on our watch this quarter.
Average price of a sandwich in Los Angeles, our single most effective retention tool.
Of donations kept exactly where they started: in your wallet. Because this is satire.
Testimonials From Grateful Neighbors
Containment Membership Tiers
- A firm handshake (emotional, not physical)
- Certificate of Vigilance (imaginary)
- Bumper sticker you have to draw yourself
- Everything in Border Buddy, which is nothing
- Honorary command of one (1) orange traffic cone
- Monthly newsletter that will never be written
- Everything in Checkpoint Captain, still nothing
- Your name whispered respectfully at a rest stop
- Lifetime supply of the number zero
Tip The Comedian
Full disclosure, in writing, where the fine print usually hides: there is no organization. Every tip goes to one (1) actual contained Californian — the comedian who built this site — to cover hosting, domain renewal, and the occasional $14 sandwich that keeps them contained. No donors were deceived in the making of this satire.
Buy Them A $14 SandwichProcessed by Ko-fi, which insists on calling it "coffee." We are in a dispute with their legal department (we are not).
You Have Questions
Is this a real organization?
No. It is a joke website. There is no initiative, no containment, and no board of directors, although we did imagine a very stern one.
Where does my donation go?
The "Donate" buttons go nowhere — they lead to a pop-up telling you this is satire. The one real button is the tip jar, which goes directly and transparently to the comedian who built this site. They are the contained Californian. It says so on the tin. (Pronouns: they/them — the Initiative's 1953 intake form does not support this, and a supplemental form has been filed.)
Can Californians actually be contained?
Research suggests Californians are self-containing, held in place by burritos, beach proximity, and the sunk cost of their sourdough starter.
I'm from Idaho and I'm offended.
That's not a question, but fair. Please accept this apology and know that we think your potatoes are genuinely excellent.
I'm from California and I'm offended.
We know. We are too. That's the whole bit — this site is written by a contained Californian who isn't going anywhere.