Subject Kevin was administered one (1) legal edible for research purposes. For 85 minutes, subject reported “nothing.” Subject then described his own backyard as a good place to find “grandma's bird,” ate a $14 sandwich in what he called “installments,” and told his dogs — quote — “you guys are doing a great job.” Containment during the observation window: absolute. I have forwarded the findings to Doyle with a note: cheaper than the sandwich program. Awaiting vindication.

Returned from Humboldt. Three weeks of fieldwork. The long-term resident does not wish to be studied, and frankly, after 200 years of successful containment, has earned that. I left the equipment. I kept the cast of the footprint. Some subjects are not data. Some subjects are colleagues.

Field Note: Subject drove 40 minutes for a specific burrito, passing eleven other burrito establishments. Hypothesis confirmed. Which hypothesis? Details never.

The jerky aisle data has been sealed at my request.

Rejected study titles, a partial list: “Toward a Unified Theory of the 405.” “Kombucha: Cause or Symptom?” “Why Gary Won't Just Move Already: A Longitudinal Non-Event.” “The Matcha Radius.” Funding was not the issue. Courage was.

Maman called during the In-N-Out study. “Eight years of school for hamburger math.” I explained it is tethering math. She hung up. The finding stands.

Overheard at intake, logged for science: “I would leave California but my sourdough starter has separation anxiety.” Barb filed it under B, for Bread. Barb files everything under B. I no longer ask.

Preliminary observation: every Californian believes they are the only one who has discovered the “secret” beach. There are 840 miles of coastline and zero secret beaches. I have not published this. People need something.

Gregory from Grid Relations asked if my instruments would work during a Public Safety Power Shutoff. I reminded him a clipboard needs no power. He flinched at the word “power.” I have logged the flinch.

Data point: the Subway footlong now exceeds $14. Our $14 sandwich program is officially a value item. I have alerted Director Doyle. He called it “vindication.” He has been saying “vindication” all week.

Field study terminated early today. Reason: the field was a farmers market and I ran out of per diem. The stone fruit was a confounding variable. I regret only the nectarine I did not buy.

My niece asked what I do. I said I study why people stay. She asked why I stay. This entry is unfinished.

Statistical note: 100% of subjects who say “I'm leaving California this year” have said it before. The mean is six years of saying it. The mode is Gary.

The Kevin file grows. Subject was again approached at a Ralphs by a stranger asking for a photo. Subject's spouse was, per the file, “delighted.” I have cross-referenced nothing. Some data is happier unexamined.

Attempted to calculate the Burrito Coefficient of the office itself. The office is a PO box. The PO box scores a 9.1. I have requested my desk be moved into the PO box. Denied. Filed under B... for some reason.