Cul-de-Sac Coverage™
Containment bonds for the other 49 states, administered by Chet, Chief of Containment Underwriting. Every product on this page is fictional and every button says so. The research citations, however, are real, which is the part that should worry you.
Friend — did you know departing Californians receive $672 a month1 in housing differential? That's $8,064 a year, headed for a cul-de-sac very much like yours.
You could worry about that. Or, for just literal pennies a day, you could do something about it.
Cul-de-Sac Coverage works differently than other insurance, because it works. Your premium doesn't build a wall. Walls fail. Your premium strengthens a bond — the documented attachment between a Californian and the thing that keeps them exactly where they should be, in California. A burrito. A sourdough starter. A parking spot they once got twice.
Every bond you fund stays in California. Every claim is paid in full, in bonds. Our claims-satisfaction rate is 100% and has never once been questioned, which we consider the mark of a healthy relationship.
That's a value.
— Chet, Chief of Containment Underwriting
The Three Positions
Sponsor one specific bond from our portfolio:
- The Burrito Bond — a subject's proximity to their taqueria. Our strongest instrument. Underlying research: The Burrito Proximity Coefficient.
- The Sourdough Starter Bond — matures at 18 months. Cannot be redeemed early. Nobody has tried. Underlying research: The Sunk Sourdough Index.
- The Meyer Lemon Bond — yields 4–6 reciprocal obligations per season. Underlying research: The Meyer Lemon Obligation Index.
- The 7:40 AM Court Reservation Bond — matures daily at 7:40 AM. Renews itself. We don't fully understand it. Underlying research: Pickleball as a Retention Instrument.
- The Parking Spot Bond — a man once got the same spot twice. He still circles the block. Underlying research: none. The Division holds it anyway.
A curated basket — one burrito, one lemon, one starter. Never hold all your bonds in one taqueria, friend.
Passive exposure to the bonds of all 39 million subjects simultaneously — including the bond between everyone and the golden hour. Yield classified. You don't pick the bonds. The light picks them.
Available Riders
HOA Umbrella Rider
If a Californian opens a wine bar on your street (and friend, they will try), you'll hold a bond stating you saw it coming.
Property-Value Protection Plan
Protects a value that was never in danger.
The Reference Instrument
Kevin ⇄ Sunday Market Tomatoes
Kevin is Subject № 000001, a regular Californian who finds the tomatoes honestly pretty good. He is not Kevin James. We are tired of clarifying this.
Never issuable. All bonds are measured against it.
Ready To Hold?
Enter your name and state. Your bond is already in California. It will not be joining you.
Terms of Coverage. Past retention is not a guarantee of future retention, although all subjects have remained. Bonds are non-transferable across state lines; this is the product. Ratings issued by the Division, reviewed by the Division, disputed by no one. The Sourdough Starter Bond cannot be redeemed early; the Parking Spot Bond may never redeem at all; the golden hour is not obligated to disclose its secrets. All claims paid in bonds. All bonds stay here. Fully bonded since 1953.
1 Housing differential per the California Policy Lab, University of California. The Lab calls it "savings." The Division respectfully declines the characterization.